On Weddings and Boundaries
Since it’s almost Valentine’s Day, we’re sharing an old event from when we were engaged. It taught us a significant lesson about boundaries.
Back then, Don had a long-time girlfriend who offered to sing at our wedding. Don immediately thought it was a good idea (yes, he was that clueless), and I, Alex, being a new Christian, thought that refusing would seem unkind. After all, aren’t we “new creatures in Christ?” Shouldn’t I overlook my uncomfortable feelings in the name of Christian harmony?
In one of my (Alex) premarital sessions with our pastor, I mentioned that Don’s old girlfriend would be singing. Immediately, his face became rigid like iron – it’s the only way I can describe his expression and the utter conviction he must have felt as he slowly and deliberately said, “DO NOT have her sing at your wedding.”
I thought he misunderstood and said, “No, it’s okay. It was in the past and I hear that she’s really a good singer.” To my shock, he just repeated his statement, with that iron-face of his. He explained that as we began our married life, there were times when it would be correct (not unkind and not wrong) to draw healthy boundaries. Our wedding was an important time to start doing this.
That’s the thing about boundaries; sometimes doing the right thing can make us feel guilty or unloving. It can take time to sort these things out. As I left that session, I realized that refusing her offer is what I’d wanted all along, but I felt guilty saying no. Our pastor gave me permission to actually do the right thing by saying no (and keeping a healthy boundary around Don and me).
And now we have wonderful memories of the music at our wedding – played by our classical guitarist friend.
Confused about boundaries? Time to invest again in your relationship? Are you a single mom longing for support and encouragement from other single moms? Wish your couple communication was better? Needing a “restart” for your marriage? Come join us at THRIVE! starting Friday, Feb 16th as we grow by learning healthy, Scriptural relationship skills.